


What We Can't Forget

by FlamingPancakes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Aftermath of Infinity War, Avengers gonna avenge, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Poor Peter Parker, Some characters are not listed because they aren't mentioned in the story, Spoilers, Steve Rogers Feels, Thanos better get ready, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, but they're there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 11:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14495616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlamingPancakes/pseuds/FlamingPancakes
Summary: Aftermath of IW:They lost. They lost the fight and paid the price and now their ashes are flying away with the breeze and Tony can't help but feel like a failure.He failed Peter. He failed Strange. He failed Quill and his teammates. He failed the world.He failed them. He failed all of them.





	What We Can't Forget

**Author's Note:**

> Also, just in case, SPOILERS! 
> 
> I wrote this on a passionate whim after seeing Infinity Wars, late at night at 2:30 in the morning. I loved the movie but I feel broken and this felt like a good way to cope. I never expected anything like that to happen. 
> 
> Is anyone else sad as well?

  Memories are a funny thing if you think about it. From the way his many crisp, clean suit jackets hugged his body to the way that Crème Brule tasted last week, it still surprises him that all the memories he's ever experienced in his life are just neurons firing in his brain. Some things are easy to remember- like his phone password- and some are hard – the dates of the many meetings he's sadly supposed to attend this month.

 

   Memories are a funny thing, especially when certain sensations and feeling are being gambled in his head; some you keep and some you don't. 

 

  Tony wishes his brain chose to forget.

 

  He doesn't want to remember the way Peter looked at him. He doesn't want to remember the way the boy's eyes shined with unshed tears that reflected just how _devastated and broken_ he felt. He doesn't want to remember how conflicted Peter's expressions were; _the confusion shifting to shock then to undeniable sorrow_. He doesn't want to remember the way Peter stumbled to him, the words _“I don’t feel so good.”_ ringing in his ears as the boy grasped onto him like his life depended on it. He doesn't want to remember the tears staining his shirt as he felt the Peter's shoulders shake uncontrollably. He doesn't want to remember the feeling of utter bewilderment as he looked at where Peter's feet _were supposed to be_. He doesn't want to remember the cold, sharp stab of the sudden realization that something bad was happening- _he didn't know what was happening but he knew wasn't good_. He doesn't want to remember the ache in his chest as he heard the words _"I don't want to go."_ and _“Please, Mr. Stark.”_ as he hugged the boy helplessly.  He doesn't want to remember the way how the sentence barely made its way out of his mouth- **_“It’s alright.”_** \- as he gripped the boy's body tighter, _so lost on what to do and so afraid to let go._ He doesn't want to remember the way he felt Peter become lighter as he stared at the dust spreading up his legs and leaving _nothing_ behind. He doesn't want to remember the emotions bottled in those young brown eyes that held such misery, _such acceptance._ He doesn't want to remember the phrase _"I'm sorry._ " or the way the ash spread up Peter- _from his body to his arms to his face_ \- as Tony watched in undeniable shock, leaving _nothing_ but a memory.

 

  He also doesn't want to remember the way the ashes felt as they brushed up against his skin- so soft and so light and _so fragile_ that Tony was afraid one touch could destroy what was once a boy with a heart of gold. And if that couldn't make things any worse, he especially didn't want to remember the numbing shock that filled his body; how cold he felt- like someone had injected his blood with _ice_ \- and how he felt _nothing_ at the same time, his eyes following the ash- _no Peter_ \-  as they flew away with the dusty wind.

 

  Yet here he was, replaying the nightmare over and over again, the mantra of _no, no, no_ singing in his skull. He still felt numb, he still felt cold, and he still felt like it was _his_ _fault_. He was supposed to protect Peter and he failed. He failed all of them. Screw Strange's last words- _"It was the only way"_ \- screw them! Screw the 14 million outcomes he had foreseen; Tony should have planned better, fought better, _been better._

 

  If only he didn't remember.

 

  So, while war rages on in his head, Tony barely registers the way he falls onto the ground and he barely registers the pain he feels inside in his heart and from the bruises and cuts decorating his body. The only thing he registers are the memories playing in his head.

 

  And to add to the list of his already-long list of things he doesn't know he's doing, Tony presses his ash-covered hand onto his face; he doesn't move it when he realizes what he's done.

 

  Maybe it's his overactive imagination or maybe it's because Thanos hit his head too hard, but Tony swears he can still smell the undeniable stench of _Peter_ still clinging onto the ashes. It's familiar yet he can't for the life of him pinpoint what the smell is like, all he can say is that it reminds him... of a new car smell.

 

  And just like that, the wounds are reopened and Tony can barely breathe over the grief he feels- over the one he knew and the ones he barely knew.

 

  Tony doesn't know how long he sits there, wallowing in his cocktail of sadness, grief, and numbness, but when he finally feels the hand on his shoulder and a voice calling him, he forces himself to look up with the face of a defeated man.

 

  It's that blue lady- Nebusomething-  and she's shaking his shoulder now and telling him something about leaving but he can't bother with listening so he just looks at her instead. He looks at the similar grief coating her tear-filled eyes, at the broken mask she tried to hide her emotions with, and the tremble her bottom lip struggles to gain control over.

 

  She said "We have to go, there's nothing left. Quill has a ship not too far-" but all Tony heard was _"Have to go."_

 

  So he gets up, manages to resist the urge to dust off his hands, follows the blue lady towards a barely functioning ship he never knew was there, and makes his way up the spaceship he doesn't care to fawn over before he stops as something red catches his eye.

 

  It's memorizing as it flutters in the dusty wind with its' familiar bright red color and intricate design. Tony can't take his eyes off it before it clicks in his broken brain that it's apart of Strange's cloak.

 

   Maybe it was ripped off during the fight? 

 

  Tony doesn't care to answer that question as he swipes it free from the moon rock it's stuck on and boards the ship, not meeting the question in Blue Lady's eyes.

 

_Let her look_ , Tony finds himself thinking, _So she can also see who you failed; one coating your hand and the other grasped in another hand._

 

  As they leave the isolated planet they both wish they never went to, Tony watches the orange ball of nothingness shrink smaller and smaller before it's swallowed by the darkness of space. Dimly, he wishes for that same darkness to take him as well.

 

  In the midst of his isolation in his mind, Tony only manages to hear Blue Lady say something about tracking a raccoon's beacon before he tunes her out and sinks back down into his head in an attempt to forget.

 

  Yet he knows he never can.

 

  By the time Tony can make out the blue planet he knows as home, it feels like it's only been minutes when it's been hours. Blue Lady says something about landing somewhere, her voice speaking in a mere whisper Tony can't bring himself to strain to hear for.

 

  When they land, he's off the ship just as Blue Lady opens the hatch, walking off the spaceship to come face to face with a war zone. Scanning the area they've landed in is instinct engraved into him from his years of fighting and yet the first thing that comes to mind is something he doesn't want to realize. Despite his best efforts, Tony can't help but be reminded of the orange planet with how much destruction scatters the once grassy land. Dirt is dug out of the ground, leaving holes big enough for graves and the pieces of glass and broken walls thrown across the hills and trees.

 

  The longer Tony stands there, drinking in each detail of the chaotic mess that was once something nice- _alive_ -  the more he thinks, _"This is one hell of a battlefield."_

 

  He wishes he forgot _his_ battlefield.

 

  Something- or someone- pushes past him from where he stands on the grassy hill and it takes a moment for Tony to realize it's Blue Lady, who walks like a man on a mission towards something that looks like a raccoon.

 

  Tony would ask why a raccoon was here of all places, holding what looks like to be dirt but he really doesn't care enough to open his mouth. It's too hard, and with the way his chest hurts- as if a pile of bricks was piled on top his lungs- it's too painful to anyway.

 

  Tony watches as Blue Lady stumbles down to the ground in front of the raccoon and, from the way her shoulders shake, he can only guess she's crying. The raccoon only looks at her as she falls to her knees and, after a moment, lowers its' head to join hers. It doesn't take long for its' shoulders to shake as well.

 

  Tony doesn't realize he's watching- he doesn't realize a lot actually but who cares- when a heavy hand lands on his shoulder. He doesn't jump when he feels it, just slowly turns his head slowly to see who it is.

 

  Of course it's Cap, though he looks different. _Very_ different.

 

_"_ Decided to copy Thor now?" The words leave his mouth before he knows it, his throat dry and hoarse and sore. Tony would lift up a hand to massage it- maybe it'll ease the soreness so that there's one less thing to worry about- but the ripped cloak is wrapped around his hand and he can't find it in himself to disturb it.

 

 Steve gives him a small smile and Tony can't help but see the effort it takes to do just that. You could say Tony knew how he felt; everything was hard right now.

 

  "Looks like someone kicked a puppy right in front of you." Again, the words leave Tony's lips before he knows it.

 

  "If only." Is all he gets before Steve sits on the ground and sighs heavily, dragging Tony down with him.

 

  They sit there for what feels like hours again, too caught up in their thoughts to bother with something as complex as time and feelings they both don't want to talk about. As they sit, Tony just manages to realize that this is the first time he's seen Steve in two- three?- years and that what was once conflicting feeling towards the old man is now anything but.

 

  In the midst of doing nothing, Tony sees in the corner of his eye more figures sitting on the ground, and off in the distance, something gray and lifeless. He can't bring himself to look, however, and he's totally okay with that.

 

  However, that's far from what else Tony notices as the numbness breaks away little by little- _piece by piece_ \- until the dam breaks and the full force of _everything_ comes crashing down on him and Tony _feels._ A choked sob is inprisioned in his throat as Tony manages to keep his mouth shut and the despair, _the guilt_ , is suffocating him so much that he wishes he could _rip_ his chest out of his body just to see the physical injuries he feels in his heart.

 

  "It's all _my fault_ ," Tony says softly as brings his ash-covered hand towards his face and presses it to his cheek in an awful and fucked up way of comfort.

 

  Funny how the thing that was supposed to remind him of his failures was soothing him- he doesn't _deserve_ it.

 

  He can hear Steve fight off his emotions as well if the sounds of uneven breathing are any indication.

  

  _"He's gone."_ Is all he needs to hear Steve say for him to know. It could only be from one person for Steve to sound so broken.

 

  "So is he."

 

  That's all Steve needs to hear as well before his head lifts up to meet Tony's eyes, and with a second of hesitation, grabs the other man's shoulder and brings him in for a hug.

 

  If something like this were to happen a day ago, Tony would laugh at the sheer stupidity of it all because he can't and wouldn't stand for it- especially with someone named Steve Rogers. However, with all that's happened and with all he's seen, Tony could care less as he complies with the super soldier and goes in for the hug.

  

Vaguely, Tony wonders if this is how Peter felt right before he crumbled to ash, _begging_ with all his heart and soul that this was all just a nightmare. What Tony wouldn't give for that to be true.

 

  As Steve tightened his grip, Tony thinks he can feel a wetness soak into his battered and filthy shirt and he's struck again by how much it reminds him of Peter all over again, and as he brings up a hand to rub at his own tears, Tony feels the cloth rub against his face and all the reigned in emotions spill out.

 

  The first thing he registered himself doing is letting out a sob as more tears stream down his face, running in noticeable streaks down his soiled face.

 

  "I _failed_ him." He hears himself say as he lets out a cry. "I _failed_ Peter and the only thing I have left of him is on my fucking hand. I failed them. I failed them. Strange was right in saying that it was a stupid plan and I should have done something better- _been better."_

 

  The words are tumbling out of his mouth in a jumbled mess and Tony feels Steve hug in tighter in response.

 

  "I lost him again. I saw him turn to dust in front of me and I lost him again. And _Sam..."_ Tony hears Steve choke out and for the first time in a while, they both understand each other.

 

  As they sit there, crying silently and holding each other after years of no contact, the emotions they've both so tirelessly held in rush out more and more before there's nothing left but a deep grief and lingering heartache.

 

  Then comes the _anger_ ; a hot, simmering anger that creates a fire of a rage so intense that Tony has to break away from the hug to reign himself in. His teeth are just begging to grind in raw fury but he fights the temptation as he struggles to take deep breathes in and deep breaths out, his fingers rubbing his temples in an effort to stop the sudden headache he feels coming. In the midst of his own mental civil war, Tony feels a warm hand land on his shoulder once more and opens his eyes to find Steve, whose exhaustion is as clear as day. The man's shoulders' are slouched- looking so _bone-tired_ that he resembles the age he actually was- and his depressed expression is sported by the deep sets of dark circles under his eyes that contrast so strongly with his pale skin that Tony is surprised the super soldier is even speaking right now. Tony is also surprised by the sheer light of determination he sees deep in Steve's eyes; a determination fueled by an intense rage so similar to his own.

 

  Something mutual runs through them as they continue to stare at one another with a deep understanding that somehow withstood the years they spent apart. They both have a plan and the universe better be ready because, _this time_ , they've got _hell_ to pay.

 

  Clutching the tattered cloak in his ash-covered hand, Tony once again turns to Steve with a question on the tip of his tongue and finds that the man already has already beaten him to it.

 

  "So," The super soldier says. "What's the plan?"

 

  And Tony can't help but smirk despite how chapped and split his lips are, and then he can't help but smile when he sees how the others have now turned their attention towards him with lent ears and a war in their eyes.

 

   Thanos may have killed half the Earth and broken each of them in more ways than one but this war was far from over.

 

  Tony may have failed in protecting the Earth- failed its people, failed Peter- but Thanos better be _damn_ ready for when he avenges them- _for when they all avenge all of them._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty, thanks for reading! I hope everyone manages to cope with what we all saw and I wish all of you happiness and crossed-fingers for the future!


End file.
